What we aren’t looking for usually finds us anyway

I am clearing out debris – you know that nameless stuff that accumulates in our lives virtually without our being aware of its presence in the first place?  Amongst the latest round for the recycling bin was a stack of (almost) unmarked CD-ROMs which I patiently loaded into my computer to review – and this is telling.

A new friend recently said, “I hope you find what you are looking for when you come to Croatia.” I don’t think you can receive a sentence like that, as a conscious person in any case, and not have two things immediately come to mind; the first is U2’s anthem of discovery – I still haven’t found what I am looking for and the second is the recognition that even when we aren’t seeking anything at all we are pulled toward our destiny.

Amongst the people I am working with in Croatia is a young woman named Željka, she is slightly older than I was when I took on the absolutely no initial pay responsibilities as the ‘coordinator’ for the National Police Athletic League Amateur Boxing League (Golden Gloves sanctioned) tournament in 1985. (Oh, sheesh – was I ever that young?) I had no experience with such things, and I do mean ZERO EXPERIENCE, but the police lieutenant in charge – as the expression goes – “was in the weeds” and he gladly took my offer of help because in less than 8 weeks’ time over 400 boys from all across the United States and Puerto Rico, their coaches and parents were going to descend upon the city of Buffalo NY and the only thing that was a given was that they had a hotel to stay at. There was no facility to train at or ultimately conduct their matches in because the Internal Revenue Service had padlocked the doors of the old Central Train Terminal for back taxes and wouldn’t let anyone in or out!, no boxing rings, no sponges, ice or entertainment, no ambulance coverage or doctors on site – nothing.  With John Ralecki’s trust I discovered that with perseverance and charm, seeing the big picture but handling the tiniest detail, asking for help (and then formally writing thank you notes once help was received), not limiting my vision of what could be by what those around me said was only necessary, that some version of greatness could (and did) happen – all with an electric typewriter, an old steel desk, a rotary phone and self-determination.

With Željka I try to give her those same wings to fly – it is after all my turn to mentor – and like a mirror to my own history she daringly (and generously) offers her efforts also without financial compensation (at least for now) for the experience.  But at the same time, 4000 miles away and through Skype conversations and text messages and emails, she is giving me something important back – the best part of who I was as my younger self, the young woman who threw herself into a project because she didn’t know to be afraid of failure whose only desire was in eliminating the potential disappointment others might experience, to create magic and perhaps something much more.

On those CDs my ex-husband, who I still love very much (who has always been my best friend) even if we ceased being in love or lovers more than 20 years ago, painstakingly had cleared files from his old computer that I had used for 16 months (from January 2003 onward) as I was creating Thistle & Broom and burned discs for me.  Amongst the files were digital scans of the 30s vintage version of myself and I looked at that woman that was me (and still is) and randomly decided to share this ‘flashback’ on my Facebook wall.  To say I was overwhelmed by the comments would be an understatement; I am blessed with truly amazing friends on a global basis who see in the current version of me something of the woman in those images (who I actually didn’t see then).  (Some) Women (including myself) never seem to outgrow the critical lens in which society views women, how we begin to view ourselves as adolescents even when those closest to us regularly pay us the most sincere compliments imaginable about attributes far more important that our physical attractiveness.

But Željka’s comment, other than a ‘Like’ status, wasn’t public, it was as a sidebar to our efforts around two separate businesses that she is helping me to create for her home – for Croatia.

Željka:  you look beautiful on them

Teresa: OH, thank you Z, I was really surprised to find them, I was going to just throw the CDs out

Željka: we would say that you “zračiš”

Teresa: and what is zračiš

Željka:  🙂 zračiš would mean that you radiate with positive energy

Teresa: OH – what a BEAUTIFUL THING TO BE TOLD

Željka: 🙂

Teresa: crying tears of gratitude

Željka: don’t cry 🙂

Teresa: happy tears, that is about the most beautiful thing anyone has ever said of me

Željka: you see, it’s how i see people just from the pictures, this is why i wanted to comment on your linkedin post 🙂 i felt you are positive person

Teresa: I am so humbled to have you in my life Z

And then she made me laugh so hard that had I been drinking anything I would surely not be able to write on this computer right now ~

Željka: and this is not sycophancy, i say when i mean it 🙂

Believe me when I write that Željka is the very least likely person on the planet to ever say something she didn’t truly mean.

And so, it seems to me that Croatia is somehow a critical part of my journey of rediscovery – not seeking, not looking for something – but finding nevertheless. Of being continually reminded of the positive energy which I radiate and some can see and feel simply through a photograph, which we all can radiate if we so choose, and the young woman who didn’t know any differently, the woman who still believes that all things are possible and then sets about a path to make that a positive reality for everyone around her and herself ~ truly, the best of me.

To all my friends, and especially my ex-husband Stephen – thank you for this incredible gift of renewal, recognition and appreciation as offered to me this weekend.

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Karmic debris

There is balance in everything – the yin and yang, darkness and light – but even as I know this, S-O-M-E-T-I-M-E-S bearing witness to karmic debris is still shocking, especially when it has followed something pleasant.

Yesterday my neighbor Kanika took me to the post office to send away a pair of Chinese Art Deco carpets to their new owner in Texas while my presence in the car allowed her to practice in anticipation of her forthcoming road test for her driver’s license – balance indeed.  But upon our arrival a young woman (perhaps 19 years of age) was screaming at the top of her lungs, dropping F-bombs like no one’s business, stomping her feet, flaying her arms and throwing things at the post clerk who had been waiting on her. The most shocking aspect of this was “you wouldn’t treat me like this if I was white!” (I have removed the expletives and made this sentence standard English for the sake of readability.) From the multi-ethnicity rest of us in line (Asian, Indian, Caucasian, Arab, Black and Latino) could be heard a shocked and audible exhale of our collective breaths. Her anger was the result of spending her entire time at the counter on her cell phone with the result of not correctly filling out the post office box request form so the clerk asked her to step aside and fill out a new one so that he could take care of those of us waiting in line – she went ballistic.  I have thought a lot about this the last 24 hours – and ultimately two things are clear to me. The first is a patent lack of personal responsibility of this young woman for how her not focusing on a task before her resulted in her own inability to accomplish the reason she was at the post office in the first place.  The resulting frustration and anger being taken out on a (very nice male) civil servant who was still shaking and visibly stressed when he came to wait on me (in turn impacting my energy so completely that by the end of our transaction my hands were shaking) was hers alone “to own”. The second is more of question – what could possibly have happened in this woman’s life to make her so angry at such a young age?  For that, I think there is likely some pretty heavy duty Karmic debris hanging on her and only she will be able to free herself. Will she even come to understand this and take the steps necessary to come to a place of peace, compassion and kindness? Obviously I will never know.

But it is curious to me hinging on a snippet of conversation related to Kanika’s forthcoming driving test about the definition of aggressive driving and subsequently road rage that we should almost immediately encounter rage of any kind.  In the hours since I recalled the words, recently expressed, by a very wise man I know:

“You know what, I know this problem because, in mariner universe, a lot of people decide to start in boat for a world tour or something like that… and some of this people leave France to forget, to leave the problem….but, in reality, if you leave something without project for future, without find a solution to your problem, wham you go back or one day, the problems go back and bigger….”

Human beings are all too susceptible to avoidance.  I had sort of ‘run away to the sea’ when I went through my divorce (1989) becoming the operations manager for the HMS Bounty (then owned by Turner Broadcasting Systems in Atlanta). Removing myself from the pain I was experiencing, and being remarkably naïve for a 29 year old woman, didn’t fix the hurt and disillusionment.  But my actions, my leaving Western New York in the first place, served as an innocent catalyst for the haunting (and often hunted) aspect I have experienced by a man I met during my first weeks working for Turner and last seen in person in 1990 or 91.  A man who has never been able to let go of knowing me despite his (now) married state, despite my expressed desire for him to leave me alone, and to stop contacting me via various social media outlets.  I didn’t understand, still do not in some regard, how a couple of museum visits, the gifts of a scarf I desired and (beautiful but) unsolicited lingerie, and a few shared meals could so negatively impact my life for nearly 24 years. I have come to own this, reluctantly, having accepted ‘there is always a bill to pay’ but it seems a steep one.  I express extreme gratitude that my particular karmic debris isn’t tied to violence though the stalker-like behavior is unsettling with each new contact he makes. The result of this experience has made me thoroughly question my judgment of even speaking to a man for years because I couldn’t foresee the impact of doing so, none of us being blessed with functional crystal balls, and in so isolating myself I have been left without the normal joys and comfort of finding a loving partner with whom to share life.

Yes, we drag cosmic flotsam around with us like the Peanuts character  Pig-Pen and his dust cloud but owning those problems and solving them rather than foisting them onto others or embracing avoidance would make our entire very connected world a much more lovely and loving.  Go do something nice today – be a catalyst for ending karmic debris!

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