Ein Mann sieht in der Welt, was er in seinem Herzen trägt
A man sees the world what he carries in his heart
When I started writing this post (9 June) we had just seen two more school shootings in the United States as well as the murder of two police officers on lunch break, a man at a WalMart and then subsequent double suicide in Las Vegas, Iraq is back in the headlines and in turmoil, and 200,000 Darth Vader attired riot police had hit the streets around Brazil in anticipation of the World Cup.
With Goethe’s words, my thoughts were about witnessing how pain, anger, insecurity, denial, violence, personal control (or lack thereof) impacts others and consequently the world at large. With Goethe’s words I was ‘stuck’ dwelling on what my stalker was trying to take from me, my words, my emotions, the totality of my being. The expression of those words, as necessary as breathing, which I was failing to liberate from me because I was angrier than I have ever been in my life that he just wouldn’t stop!, had responded by shutting down against the violence of his “taking”. His selfish want was undermining both my soul and my human existence, and I had responded in the only way he would understand by calling his house four times back-to-back over a space of less than six minutes to “give him a taste of the medicine” he had been heaping on me for more than twenty years; and I hated every second of who he forced me to become for every fraction of a second. As a result I put aside my writing and dug my hands into the earth, in the meantime I thought a great deal about how violence begets more violence and how I cannot allow myself to succumb to the cycle of destruction. Actually, none of us should. Our world is made up of billions of us and every negative action has palpable energy which we all feel and respond to – in sheltering behaviors tied to anxiety such as agoraphobia, panic attacks, increasing levels of disease, and in lashing out (verbally and physically). And truly, I thought that was the direction this would go – but, as all of that is negative, all of that is ‘taking’ and writing of it carries negative implications for me as I would research, write, dwell in and then publish it, and then also so would it negatively impact each of you as you read so, no, that is not the direction this is going to go. No, rather let’s explore what it is to really give instead and in the process be found.
My last post was to the universe and to a special man not yet met but certainly energetically ‘known’. I could feel him coming closer to me but couldn’t identify him – and that was okay. Most of you reading this will grasp the important distinction made over being able to recognise, with clarity of intuition, what is meant for you and knowing it awaits, and that it cannot (under any circumstance) be forced into reality. It’s not so much patience that allows this waiting to take place but the surety of ‘the knowing’. This is a gift. ‘The knowing’ of what is in my heart has always provided a kind of indescribable peace, the knowing is a banked fire waiting for fuel to flame up as well as the rains which merge and flood into depths of waters where we immerse our physical bodies to clear away the karmic debris of daily living. With Goethe’s words I have always seen and felt the universal love that is my constant companion waiting for its vibrational equal to respond to, and be tuned by. If you have ever seen City of Angels you know what I mean – and if you haven’t you must watch it!
And, how do you know in real, human experience terms when ‘the knowing’ is manifest?
When your heart chakra floods with pure light before personal contact for starters, to be recognised (not just seen) for who you are at your soul level rather than from any photograph, to find in the other an echo of your expressed belief that life is full and beautiful regardless of how short it might be, that the other has touched your energy and seen your aura for the power of it and not only not shied away but embraced it and gave something more of themselves in response to the recognised equal energy you offer, to embrace the sweet saltiness of tears and, as totally illogical as it might seem to read, the willingness to turn your every day lives upside down to right the impossible separation that is no longer tolerable. All of this is the gift, the defining energy that every sentient being – yes, I believe, even non-human ones – longs to connect to. Think about the distances that whales migrate twice a year to possibly mate once every two or three years and then nothing in our human experience seems impossible.
Simply put: giving expands, taking contracts. When you define your relationships by what is taken rather than what is given then you will no longer tolerate the meanness of less. Because as we give the giving comes back to us exponentially larger than what we feel we offered, this humbles us – to receive such gifts – and we repeat the cycle again and again because to give feels wonderful.
Yes, what a man or woman carries in his or her heart is how they see the world, and perhaps how the worthy among the world see us. I have lived my life to date bound by the mantra of leaving the world in a better place than it was when I came into it, and I can only live if I continue to give freely, unconditionally, untethered by the constraints of society or conventional wisdom or promise of recompense. Suddenly, inexplicably, the universe will say ‘you are ready’ and he will find me. Bound by a Gypsy woman, a little battered by those that have taken too much of my energy, deceived by those who were empty themselves and who could only deny me tenderness but because of my ability to live in beauty and universal love now, finally, I will see that love reflected in the eyes of my ‘other’, feel that love clench around my heart and fill me to overflowing – and I will settle into him and stop drifting.
Young lovers start with nothing, possessions pale in the wealth found in friendship and trust and companionship and of making love in grass covered in dew, in crashing waves of the ocean, on the roof beneath a canopy of stars more precious than any jewels. We, this amazing man who will find me and I, have a story to write on slates that have been wiped clean save for one thing – our mutual understanding that in giving everything of ourselves we will have found all that we need.
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