Our condition as living beings demands connection, and to some degree or another we are all seeking the elusive resonance with another person that is generally referred to as finding our soulmate. Some, I am not one of them, can ‘settle’ just to be able to feel, to have a partner in life’s activities, to have a bedmate for sex, or someone to bitch at – how can this be ‘enough’?
An acquaintance made through OKCupid has written two drafts of a paper for publication that he enthusiastically has shared with me – I am very flattered – for myself there is a single sentence that stands out from amongst the current 3,000+ words:
A soul mate is not an object, it is a state of being.
This, I love. A soul mate is a state of being.
This isn’t “The Secret” but, THE SECRET! The fullness of being necessary for ourselves and without which we cannot be in a state of preparedness of our being to resonate or recognise its ‘other’ (or as RS points out the potential of many others over the course of our lifetimes).
Love is the only just and holy war. Two friends pledge loyal opposition to one another. I vow I will defend the integrity of my separate being and respect the integrity of your being. We will meet only as equals; I will present myself in fullness of being and will expect the same of you. I will not cower, apologize or condescend. Our covenant will be to love one another justly and powerfully; to establish inviolable boundaries; to respect our separate sanctuaries. We will remain joined in the sweet agony of dialogue, the contest of conversation, the dialectic of love until we arrive at synthesis.
—Fire in the Belly: On Being A Man© Sam Keen, 1992
There are few and rare people who find in one another (despite distractions) the perfection of their being and love with their partner. I am just finishing reading Marilyn Yalom’s fantastic How the French Invented Love, Nine Hundred Years of Passion and Romance which has lead me to further explore the 50 year relationship of Jean-Paul Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir. But first, as Ms. Yalom quotes at the beginning of chapter fourteen:
My love, you and I are one, and I feel that I am you as much as you are me.
Never have I felt so forcefully that our lives have no meaning outside of our love.
Jean-Paul Sartre to Simone de Beauvoir, November 15, 1939
They were far from perfect, after a decade it seems that their intense sexual energy for each other abated, they each took lovers, transparently shared every detail with the other, there was (as the expression goes) “collateral damage” from their threesomes, and pain for Simone especially when Jean-Paul ‘got too close’ in prolonged affairs that encroached on what was theirs, yet, as Colette Audry, a teaching colleague of Beauvoir’s in the 1930s, wrote of them: “Theirs was a new kind of relationship, and I had never seen anything like it. I cannot describe what it was like to be present when those two were together. It was so intense that sometimes it made others who saw it sad not to have it.” They were committed without the formal legal framework of marriage for fifty years and yet wound up sharing a single grave in Cimetière du Montparnasse in Paris.
My point is that sometimes ‘it just happens’ as it did to Sartre and de Beauvoir when they were 21 and 23, it, as the French express – coup de foudre, happens when someone ‘sees’ you for who you really are. I don’t think this can happen until you are really ready to be seen and doesn’t (necessarily) require a physical connection to express the truest intimacy that you can imagine existing. Our transparency isn’t verbal or emotional, it is energetic – the tuning fork which finds us inexplicably drawn to other people that make us more as a result of being ‘with’ them.
The whole is more than the sum of its parts.
Then what makes us stay up at night, or rise early, to simply witness a lover sleep, denying sleep and work, commitments, and other friends to spend ten more minutes (or ten more hours) talking to them because the cup truly runneth over in the place that is uniquely ‘yours’ and to cease the sharing of thoughts, music, books and life means to stop living altogether (or so it seems) is all part of the equation.
Over and over during the course of the last 10 months I have woken in the middle of the night, and it has always been because a man in a different time zone on the other side of the planet has just sent some kind of digital message to me. I am not responding to the input of their message but the energy of their thoughts toward me that prompted them to reach out to me in the first place. I respond because the connection between us has become hardwired on my circuitry – the intensity of these ‘awakenings’ seem to be happening ever more frequently so I have to believe I am ‘getting closer’ to the convergence of metaphysical and physical. I hope you are also so blessed.
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